Over the years I’ve learned that I am a warrior and I don’t talk a lot. No, like in a bad way. But in a sort of "silent treatment" style. When we fight, I always give up. I broke off. I don't know if most husbands are like me, or if they have a different method. I don't yell anymore. I just don't talk. I can go days without speaking to her. I behave like she is not there. I play like I don’t know her. Which is very much what she doesn't like. When I toss it at her, it’s like a bomb way.
And this drives her insane.
🚗 On a Saturday afternoon. …
It was simply a usual hot humid Saturday. We were in the car, heading to the store, trying to get the most out of the weekend. I was a bit confused because I didn't know where to go next. To this supermarket or to this supermarket. I assume I was making more of it than there was there. Turning to me she said, "You're talking nonsense.
Just five words. But they hit hard.
She was not getting me or maybe she was abusing me at that moment. My pride got in the way. What did I do? Boom. I yelled at her. Then nothing. Mode.
No more chatting while driving. The store was out of good things. No hand holding.
Just a hot-headed, irate husband in the distance. Oh that's the usual me. I admit I was thinking too much about her and putting stuff on this blog that would make her look awful or me look vulnerable.
And then the days after, when they were there but not there. We were close, but miles away in spirit. Funny how we still fall into old patterns even after being together for nearly ten years. We battle not only with each other, but against our own pasts and disappointments.
Finally we got down and talked. Not because they had to. Because they wanted to. And it was simple but vital, it appeared, that was the root of all this.
Then she said to me “You yelled at me while I was talking. Do you want to get shouted at?
It hurt me badly.
It wasn’t just the things that were happening, it was the way I made her feel. Disrespectful. Not accepted. And I had to own that.
When people are upset, even the tiniest gesture or remark might send them off. I did, and I could tell after that she was irritated with me. Even the sound of my voice. Even if I am quiet. One bad moment had snowballed into something a lot worse than it had to be.
That’s the truth: we are not perfect.” But we’re motivated to discover an answer.
And we had a "family conference" in the bedroom only a few hours ago. People were yelling, being honest about how they felt. And in the end, I stepped up and said with a jest, “Meeting adjourn.
"We had a meeting, and we talked about it. I suppose the only reason she got back at me was because I yelled at her when she was talking and she didn't like it. “Do you want to be yelled at?” she said. And it solved everything. After that she was furious with everything I said and did, even the way I spoke.
And in that minute all hell broke loose.
“Papa, are you and mama okay now?” enquired my oldest son. I think he feels the stress and is reacting to the situation right now. I think that should be the norm. Don’t allow your youngsters assume the scenario is a hoax. “We are working on it and fixing the problem. Talk to them like that.”
I just had a lengthy meeting in the room today and my last words were "the meeting is over".
A Story of Two Other Couples
It reminds me of a couple we assist. John and Liza (not their real names) have been married 12 years.
John would also go quiet in fights and Liza would get mad and blow out. Their home became a war zone of words and cold shoulders and door slams.
John now understood that quiet was no longer a symbol of strength. It was punishment. He went to treatment, opened his heart and learned how to speak up peacefully.
Another couple we know, Mike and Rachel (not their real names) swapped places. Rachel was the silent one. She would pull away and Mike would become irritated because he felt ignored. Now they know how to stop, breathe and say, ‘Help me understand where you are coming from.
It is not easy. But it can be done.
❓ What can you do?
What do you usually do when your marriage hurts?
You shut down like I do?
Are you hollering only to be heard?
Do you react without knowing what you’re dealing with?
Do you punish your lover by not speaking to them?
The truth is this, friend: Quiet may feel safe, but it never heals.
❤️ A Gentle Nudge to Get Going
If you and your spouse are in a cold war, don’t let it go on for days.
Don’t wait for the next fight to have the conversation.
Take the first little step.
Short Note
Say, “Can we talk?”
Acknowledge your sorrow, but theirs as well.
✅ Put connection before pride.
You don’t have to know all the right things to say. You only need the right kind of heart.
🙏 A TRUE CONFESSION
Ephesians 4:26 in the Bible says, “Don’t let sin reign in your anger.” "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath."
Not loving someone does not equal fighting.
It's the decision to continue choosing one another in the difficult times.
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